Saturday 18 November 2017

Birthday.

I'm saying it. It's my birthday today. I don't like to make a fuss of my birthday. I'm not one of those 'it's my birthday week, all eyes on me' types. However, today, some things are bothering me.

I've had three solitary happy birthday wishes. One from my mum (obligatory), one from my partner's mum (obligatory) and one from my partner which I had to ask for as he clearly didn't think my birthday was enough of an occasion that he had to acknowledge it. Some people know it's my birthday and have forgotten (let's face it, people have bigger fish to fry than my birthday). I may have mentioned it to some but don't know them well enough for it to have registered with them or for them to remember. Some have just forgotten I exist altogether and can't remember to get in touch with me, birthday or not.

My colleagues (who hate me - see earlier blog posts) remembered. It must be in their diaries. I got a collective present from them. It contains a gift that one of my colleagues received as a gift for her birthday and then described and slagged off in the office. She obviously doesn't remember that she said that. She doesn't like it so she's given it to me.

Two disclaimers here: 1) I have regifted things myself 2) I'm not that interested in how much someone spends on something or whether they do or do not get me a gift. It's great to receive gifts, especially when you like the gifts, but I'm not going to think less of you if you don't get me a gift. It really is the thought that counts.

I don't want people to feel obligated to buy me gifts because it's my birthday. I hate it when my partner starts moaning (in his own way) about having to buy me a gift. He doesn't have to buy me a gift. What I want is for him to want to do something nice for me, to feel like making an effort to do that, because he wants to, rather than treating the whole thing as a drag. I can buy anything I want for myself. It's the sentiment that I want. That goes for everyone.

So, I'm...hurt...that my colleague thinks so little of me (though this is also not news) that she grabbed some stuff together that she didn't want to fulfill her perceived social obligation to give her colleague a birthday gift. Then I text her and said 'Thanks for the lovely gifts! x' *sick face emoji* because we are embroiled in some fake 'let's pretend to like each other' situation that I have to engage with or they make me feel my life's not worth living (again, see previous blog posts).

The other reason is that how much you spend and where you buy from are very much of interest to my colleagues, so this is another way the gift shows how little they think of me.

I'm contradicting myself aren't I? I suppose what it comes down to is, I want people to like me. They don't, so I'm having a mope about it. I don't want to sing and dance about the fact it is my birthday but, in some ways, I do want people to know it's my birthday. I don't want to be the centre of attention, but I do want some attention. I would rather my colleagues didn't give me a gift than give me a gift because they felt obliged to. I prefer honesty. Then I respond to their fake niceness with my own fake niceness because fake niceness is important to them and I want them to like me despite me not liking them, despite me knowing they don't like me and despite me preferring honesty.

I hate that I am writing this confused and morally mixed up mess, but here it is. I hate that I am a confused and morally mixed up mess. Pressing publish. Waiting for the quiet/silent backlash.

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